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(1-4.4) Sunday, of course, is April Fool’s Day. Or as they call it in Washington, "President’s Day.”

We’re now finding out where all the candidates met their spouses. Barack Obama met his wife at a law firm. John McCain met his wife at a naval officers dance. And Rudy Giuliani met his third wife when he was cheating on his first wife with his second wife.

Former astronaut Lisa Nowak has started her new job, writing training manuals for the navy. It’s a dream come true. She has wanted this job since she was in diapers.

According to Newsweek, they’ve now come out with the carbon diet. An environmentally friendly diet that reduces greenhouse gases. Let me tell you something. If your diet is so bad that you are causing global warming . . . just stay out of Taco Bell.

The U.N. Security Council expressed "concern” over Iran capturing those 15 British soldiers. Concern. With the U.N. involved this could escalate from "concern” to "severely frowned upon.” I’ll bet Iran is shaking in their boots now. A stern letter from the U.N.

A new experimental contraceptive has been developed that not only prevents pregnancy, it prevents PMS. Doctors say this drug could end PMS. I believe it’s called "MBF,” man’s best friend. I want to point out, because of Passover, no Jewish writers were used in the preparation of tonight’s monologue. We only used free-range Christian writers.

As you know, Democratic speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi, went to Syria and she said she found some common ground to talk about with the Syrians. I guess they told each other Bush jokes for a few hours.

Health officials are now warning that prescription sleeping pills can cause sleep driving. It can cause people to get up in the middle of the night, drive somewhere, and have no memory of where they went or what they did. To which Bill told Hillary, "See?”

Here’s a sign that people in California have too much money. Have you heard about this? People are now doing yoga with their dog. Yoga for dogs. Who’s this for? Dogs that want to stick their necks out the car window a little further.

Well, the big story in the presidential campaign is how much money Hillary Clinton raised. She raised 26 million in the first quarter, and then shifted $10 million she had left over from her Senate race for a total of $36 million. In fact Hillary Clinton has so much money now, John Kerry is hitting on her.

Plans are underway for movie about the Clinton Whitewater scandal. They’re trying to get Charlize Theron to play Susan MacDougal. If that happens, Bill Clinton will play himself.

Tonight, of course, is the first night of Passover. And today, the president of Iran denied it ever happened.

Jews celebrate the exodus from Egypt and Christians celebrate no rush-hour traffic.

(27.3.07) Do you know this story? Turns out that Rudy Giuliani’s wife forgot one marriage. She originally said that she was married twice. Now it turns out that she was actually married three times. But she says she never talked about her first marriage. Hey, neither does Bill Clinton.

According to the Census survey, the number of people without health insurance has dropped by 2 million. Well duh! That’s cause their dead because they didn’t have any health insurance. Not really a positive.

In New York City this week, officials found 400 pigeons and 250 rats living in an apartment. I understand that they are turning it into a Taco Bell franchise.

According to a new poll, 29 percent of U.S. households do not have Internet access and have little hope of getting it. You know what the technical name is for people with no hope of Internet access? AOL customers.

Al Gore returned to Congress. Everyone said Al Gore was treated like a rock star. I think the rock star was Meat Loaf.

Gore told Congress that global warming shouldn’t be a political issue it should be a moral issue. And Congress said, "A moral issue? I’m sorry you lost us there.”

Actor Keanu reeves is accused of hitting a celebrity photographer with his Porsche Tuesday while leaving a parking lot. The good news, there was no damage done to the Porsche. I was so worried.

It is officially spring. Al Gore blamed the end of winter on global warming.

While on Capitol Hill today, Al Gore testified that if we act now, we can still save the planet. Well, not the whole planet . . . except Florida. He’s still a little upset.

This week marks the four-year anniversary of the war in Iraq. Former President Bill Clinton said, "I can’t think of any sadder anniversary — except my own.”

Last week a dead passenger was upgraded to first class on a British Airways flight. That’s one of the perks of being Keith Richards.

Jury selection began this week in the Phil Spector murder trial. Spector said the jury he would like to select is either the OJ jury or the Robert Blake jury.

As I’m sure you know, jury selection in Los Angeles is followed by a three part process. The bungling of the evidence, the acquittal, then the book by the defendant called, "If I Did It.”

If you are not familiar with the case, legendary music producer Phil Spector is accused of shooting an actress that he just met. When Robert Blake heard about this, he was horrified. He said, "Hey, at least I took mine to dinner first.”

On this date in 1847 Brigham Young married his 42nd wife. You know what he told a friend before he married his 42nd wife? "This is the one. Those other chicks were nothing. You, you’re special.”

A lot of restaurants are holding St. Patrick’s Day promotions. At Kentucky Fried Chicken one lucky customer will be chosen to run the rats out of KFC. I think they’re dying the rats green if I’m not mistaken.

It went down to 11 last night. Not American Idol. The number of U.S. attorneys still working.

Al-Qaida’s No. 3 man, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has confessed to being the mastermind behind Sept. 11, and said he planned 29 other attacks, including to kill Bill Clinton. To which Hillary Clinton said, "you too?”

Actually, we would have prosecuted and executed him by now, but as you know, the White House fired all the U.S. attorneys.

In Palm Beach, Florida this week, a shark attacked a lawyer who was surfing. Remarkably, the shark survived.

President Bush is back from his tour of Latin America. He said it really opened his eyes. He said, "It’s amazing. We thought we had a lot of illegal aliens here. They are all over the place down there!”

Hillary Clinton announced yesterday that the "vast right wing conspiracy is back.” You know what that means. Bill must be dating again.

Greenpeace is now calling on people to have environmentally friendly sex. They say when you are having sex they don’t want you to do anything that would be bad for the environment. I don’t know. Are people ready to give up their diesel powered sex toys? I’m not sure.