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Plans are underway for movie about the Clinton Whitewater scandal. They’re trying to get Charlize Theron to play Susan MacDougal. If that happens, Bill Clinton will play himself.

Tonight, of course, is the first night of Passover. And today, the president of Iran denied it ever happened.

Jews celebrate the exodus from Egypt and Christians celebrate no rush-hour traffic.

(27.3.07) Do you know this story? Turns out that Rudy Giuliani’s wife forgot one marriage. She originally said that she was married twice. Now it turns out that she was actually married three times. But she says she never talked about her first marriage. Hey, neither does Bill Clinton.

According to the Census survey, the number of people without health insurance has dropped by 2 million. Well duh! That’s cause their dead because they didn’t have any health insurance. Not really a positive.

In New York City this week, officials found 400 pigeons and 250 rats living in an apartment. I understand that they are turning it into a Taco Bell franchise.

According to a new poll, 29 percent of U.S. households do not have Internet access and have little hope of getting it. You know what the technical name is for people with no hope of Internet access? AOL customers.

Al Gore returned to Congress. Everyone said Al Gore was treated like a rock star. I think the rock star was Meat Loaf.

Gore told Congress that global warming shouldn’t be a political issue it should be a moral issue. And Congress said, "A moral issue? I’m sorry you lost us there.”

Actor Keanu reeves is accused of hitting a celebrity photographer with his Porsche Tuesday while leaving a parking lot. The good news, there was no damage done to the Porsche. I was so worried.

It is officially spring. Al Gore blamed the end of winter on global warming.

While on Capitol Hill today, Al Gore testified that if we act now, we can still save the planet. Well, not the whole planet . . . except Florida. He’s still a little upset.

This week marks the four-year anniversary of the war in Iraq. Former President Bill Clinton said, "I can’t think of any sadder anniversary — except my own.”

Last week a dead passenger was upgraded to first class on a British Airways flight. That’s one of the perks of being Keith Richards.

Jury selection began this week in the Phil Spector murder trial. Spector said the jury he would like to select is either the OJ jury or the Robert Blake jury.

As I’m sure you know, jury selection in Los Angeles is followed by a three part process. The bungling of the evidence, the acquittal, then the book by the defendant called, "If I Did It.”

If you are not familiar with the case, legendary music producer Phil Spector is accused of shooting an actress that he just met. When Robert Blake heard about this, he was horrified. He said, "Hey, at least I took mine to dinner first.”

On this date in 1847 Brigham Young married his 42nd wife. You know what he told a friend before he married his 42nd wife? "This is the one. Those other chicks were nothing. You, you’re special.”

A lot of restaurants are holding St. Patrick’s Day promotions. At Kentucky Fried Chicken one lucky customer will be chosen to run the rats out of KFC. I think they’re dying the rats green if I’m not mistaken.

It went down to 11 last night. Not American Idol. The number of U.S. attorneys still working.

Al-Qaida’s No. 3 man, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has confessed to being the mastermind behind Sept. 11, and said he planned 29 other attacks, including to kill Bill Clinton. To which Hillary Clinton said, "you too?”

Actually, we would have prosecuted and executed him by now, but as you know, the White House fired all the U.S. attorneys.

In Palm Beach, Florida this week, a shark attacked a lawyer who was surfing. Remarkably, the shark survived.

President Bush is back from his tour of Latin America. He said it really opened his eyes. He said, "It’s amazing. We thought we had a lot of illegal aliens here. They are all over the place down there!”

Hillary Clinton announced yesterday that the "vast right wing conspiracy is back.” You know what that means. Bill must be dating again.

Greenpeace is now calling on people to have environmentally friendly sex. They say when you are having sex they don’t want you to do anything that would be bad for the environment. I don’t know. Are people ready to give up their diesel powered sex toys? I’m not sure.

I guess you heard, today was a big day for the U.S. Border Patrol. They caught 500 immigrants trying to sneak into the country and 200 Halliburton executives trying to sneak out.

Three fifty a gallon in Los Angeles. It’s unbelievable. In fact, gas is so high around the country, Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich have started a cheaters carpool just to save money.

Last week NASA fired that crazy astronaut Lisa Nowak. Apparently there was no place at NASA for an unstable woman. The good news? Today she was hired as co-host of "The View.”

Did you see all those people protesting while President Bush was in Latin America? Bush hasn’t had that many people shouting "Gringo go home!” since his last trip to L.A.

Thirty towns in Vermont have voted to impeach President Bush, but Bush says he doesn’t care what a bunch of Canadians think.

Embarrassing situation for Al Gore; you know, the whole global warming thing. Turns out his Tennessee home is using 20 times the energy of the average household. But to be fair, it’s still not as much energy as John Edwards’ blow dryer is using.

· Al Gore says his bill is higher than average because his house is bigger than average. It’s a 20-room mansion. You know — the kind you normally find Republicans living in.

· A state senator in Florida wants to outlaw the term "illegal alien” because it’s insensitive. They want to go with the more politically correct term, "WalMart-ian.”

· Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to go on vacation. No men will be allowed on the island. Which leads to the question, "If something goes wrong, whose fault will it be?”

· As you know, the stock market dropped 416 points. But enough about President Bush’s approval rating.

· Last night on Fox they had the premiere of "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” Or as President Bush calls it: "Jeopardy.”

· Al Gore taking a little global heat today after it was revealed that his home in Tennessee uses 20 times the energy as the average household. That is an inconvenient truth. He lives in a mansion in Tennessee that has eight bathrooms. And three of them are indoors.

· Actually, you know why is using so much energy. Have you seen Al lately? I think he’s been keeping that refrigerator door open a little too long. That’s what happens. Every time that light comes on...

· Vice President Dick Cheney safely back in Washington after an attempt was made on his life in Afghanistan yesterday. The Taliban have denied reports that they were trying to kill Cheney. They are claiming it was a hunting accident.

· A state senator in Florida wants to ban the term "illegal alien” because she says it’s offensive... She wants to replace it with something more sensitive… may I suggest "Mexican explorer"?

· Several female students at Depaw University in Indiana claim they were kicked out of their sorority house, Delta Xeta, because they were overweight. Isn’t that terrible, judging people based solely on their weight and appearance? Or as we call that out here, "show business.”

· Prince Charles says he wants to ban McDonald’s. He said banning McDonald’s is the key to living a healthy lifestyle. Really? Why did he single out McDonald’s? I think banning dominos would make more sense. They deliver the junk food to your house. At least with McDonalds you have to get off your fat ass and walk to your car. Prince Charles says he wants to ban McDonald’s to teach people that excess is bad. Who better to teach people that excess is bad than a guy who lives in a giant castle?

Did you all watch the Oscars last night? I tried to TiVo the show, but my TiVo only holds 30 hours of programs. It was so long that parts of Peter O’Toole were starting to fall off. It was like the JetBlue of celebrities. The memorial clip actually featured people who were alive when the show began.

Bank of America will be giving out credit cards to illegals. See, this way they won’t need cash. You can buy forged papers and phony driver’s licenses on credit.

In Saint Paul, Minn., a couple got in trouble after police found 150 pounds of marijuana hidden in the gas tank of their car. How stupid is that? Just fill the tank with gasoline — it will be worth more than the drugs.

Hillary Clinton is being pressed on why she hasn’t apologized for voting in favor of the war in Iraq. This weekend, in reply to this, Hillary actually told voters who are upset about this "you have other choices.” Something, of course, Bill already knows.

Today is President’s Day … or for those of you in California, el Presidente Day! Today is the day we honor presidents ranging from George Washington, who couldn’t tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn’t tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn’t tell the difference.

Congress is now trying to pass a bill that would require health insurers to cover more costs for the mentally ill. Once again, Congress looking out for themselves. So typical!

Presidential candidate Tom Vilsack . . . not a lot of name recognition. I don’t want to say that Tom is unknown, but his secret service codename is Tom Vilsack.

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